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Top 10 Survival Tips

January 21, 2013

All this talk about Henry and Alice: Into The Wild has started me thinking that maybe one of these years I should take a camping holiday myself. As a novice, I thought the prudent first step might be to consult the Internet for assistance. You know, professional advice. Long story short, a website called Love The Outdoors offers more information than you could read in a week, and so, for the convenience of impatient types like me I have gleaned and condensed it into a just-add-water-and-stir package I call Top 10 Survival Tips. They are listed below, in reverse order, to create dramatic tension.

10. When smoking a fish, never inhale.

9. Guitars strummed tunelessly by noisy teenagers in the adjoining campsite are an excellent source of kindling.

8. To compress the diameter of a rolled-up sleeping bag, run it over with your car.

7. You can get even with a bear who raids your food supply by kicking apart his favorite tree stump and eating all the ants.

6. Smoking them over an open fire will turn old socks into beef jerky that is high in fibre.

5. A potato baked in coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

4. To start a fire without the use of matches, consume an average (adult) serving of Mexican food, and then breathe on a pile of dry sticks.

3. In an emergency, a drawstring from the hood of a parka can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

2. You will never be lost if you remember that moss grows on the north side of a compass.

1. Bagpipes placed on the picnic table in your campsite will ensure that the campsites on either side remain vacant for the duration of your trip.

You’re very welcome, and happy camping!

p.s. Please let me know how everything works out.

Henry And Alice: Into The Wild runs from January 23 – February 10, 2013. Visit the Globe Theatre website for more details, cast information, and to purchase tickets. 

Nick Miliokas is a freelance writer and editor based in Regina. You can reach him by email at rozenstern@rocketmail.com.

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